I am old enough, Answer me!

I am an 18 year old girl and I am about to share an incident that happened to me when I was 5, it hurt me deeply and has disturbed me ever since. So, now I am trying to write what I felt at that time.

When I was 5, My parents always thought I am small and couldn’t understand them. Little did they know how everything would affect me. They always pretended that they loved each other more than anyone ever could, but they made arguments that even a 5year old child knew were useless and pathetic.. Once my father dropped us at our granny’s place after having fight with my mom and went back with my little brother. After a week of my mother’s endless tears, my patience gave in. I was disturbed and wanted to go back home. I was missing my dad and my younger brother. I didn’t know what was happening.  I used to ask mom time and again what  was the reason behind her tears,  reason to live at granny’s home .. but… in reply i got nothing but a hug!

Living in this modern world, I knew how to use cellphone, I picked mum’s cellphone and called the last dialed number. Luckily, my father picked it up. Far from my expectations, I heard those words which he himself forbade me to use. I couldn’t help but shout into the receiver , “Baba these are not good words, one should not use them” and in response he engaged the phone.My dad never behaved like this before. I was highly disappointed. My father never called me to say ” love you” the way he used to nor he wasn’t coming to pick us!

There was a certain issue regarding my little brother at granny’s place. I always tried to listen and understand but all my effort went in vain. Whenever i asked mom about him. She always cried. I stopped asking because i couldn’t see my mom crying. Thousands of questions were popping in my head. Why?Why we are here? What’s wrong with my brother? Why dad was rude? Why mom crying? last but not least who will answer me ?? I wanted answers!

One day, my mom made me get ready. She was badly crying. I felt very bad. I broke the silence and started to question. “Why mom? Why are u crying?” , I wiped her tears. When i got no response I asked “If I did something? Are you angry with me ” ,I told her, “I want to share your sorrows“, I begged her, “Talk to me momm!!! I know i am not old enough but i can’t see you crying like this. Mom please!!” I begged and begged! I wanted answers! I was dying inside! I could feel i was getting mentally weak..

My mother and granny took me in a building full of people. I asked mom where are we going? She said “Your brother wants to meet you“.. I felt as if someone has put life in me… But then …again..Why here?? I kept my mouth shut this time.

The building looked very dirty and so were the people. We went to area where there was grills like jail for separation . While we stood there I saw dad and my little brother coming. I screamed out of happiness. I shouted “DAD! DAD!“.My brother seemed excited too. I knew he must be missing me the way i was missing him!..BUT!… why these rods between us?? I asked mom to go that side but she rudely refused and ordered to stay there quietly.

I ignored and hugged my brother across dirty grill. My brother started to cry. I wiped his tears off and so he wiped mine. I never knew he love me so much! My dad hugged me but i could feel the unwillingness in that hug!

Questions were flooding in my mind! Why grill? Why dad doesn’t want my hug? why are we separate? Why mom and dad not even looking at each other? Why? Please some one tell me!

There were many people around who I think was having same feelings the way I was having. They were crying. I felt suffocated. I wanted to run! I wanted to get my life back! My school! My brother,our fights and most importantly Our smiles!

My brother gave me a chocolate. I shared it with him. Ignoring whatever was between us, we both held each other hands, smiled to each other. He made my day! Not my mom but at least I made my brother smile. I didn’t want to leave him nor did he but my dad rudely separated my hand from him and dragged my brother away. I was abashed! I had tears rolling out from my eyes but I controlled.

What happened right now?How can my father do this to me? Didn’t he ever loved me? My brother cried bitterly as he took him away. I could hear his cries even from a distance. He is a 3year old kid. Why dad is giving him such treatment?

At night, I hugged mom and again asked silently while wiping her tears, “Why is everything happening with us mom? Am i not good daughter ? Why dad doesn’t take us along? “.. Mom just said we won’t live together again. It gave me a jerk. But i hugged her and told her i am with her and will always be with her. Thanks for answering me. I will try to understand you.

I have now learnt how hard it is to endure silence without having my questions answered. My sorrows were dignified, i went through severe depression and in the end had nothing to offer anyone…or get in return.

So here’s a message to everyone out there. Talk to your kids, give them time…even when problems surround you and there seems to be no way out..involve them, make them aware that they are an essential part of your life and everything will be okay.

Maturity and Understanding is not dependent on age, It’s about surrounding! It’s surprising how adversely even a 5 old can be affected and that example is here.

To conclude, children put their trust in you for their well being and upbringing..hence live up to it..give them what they need. Answer them what they question as someone said:
“We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today!”