I don’t know what mood I am in. The awkward thing is that I sometimes can’t understand myself. My emotions. I remember once I took a test of Emotion Management in Psychological Department , and I literally failed in “knowing your own mood part”.. and I excelled in “knowing and controlling others”.. Like what a shame.

I  feel like “most-un thankful-person” of Allah who has everything yet unsatisfied. There is deep hole. It is hollow and very deep. The whole anger thing comes out thinking I am missing that person or this person or saying this didn’t go well and blah blah but I know the reality is whole different. I know that this feeling is because of some malfunction within me. Last week I remember I was listening a Bayan in which the speaker said “This hollow feeling will never go. Because this hollow is because you are lacking in practicing Islam”. I wonder Is my heart dead or something? The speaker said “If you seek for guidance, you will be guided. If you don’t want, Allah will help you go astray”. Has Allah chosen me to go astray?  I don’t want to. No! I want to be back to Islam. I don’t want my heart to be black and lifeless. I want to listen my heart beat when I stand in front of Allah or when I act against the teachings of Islam and not when I am afraid of worldly people….but  I hate when I get afraid while speaking in front of crowd, I hate when I shiver before starting any work. I want to shiver just for Allah. I want to cry just for Allah. I don’t want to cry for these worldly people. But the thought which wakes me up is WWWHYYY Why these thoughts never occur to me when the event happens and why I am unable to control myself. When I know that this feeling I am getting should be purely for Allah yet I cannot control. Am I chosen in Allah’s bad people? Is my destiny purely “jahanum”?

I remember Speaker said “Try and Go to discover Islam, Allah will help you” . I started trying. I tried to my extent (okay I know this isn’t the extent. I can go far away) …but..amm… I don’t know. Maybe I am weak. Very weak. Sometimes the difference I feel between the “Old Wafa” and “New Wafa” is that before she didn’t know that it is called sin which she has committed . Now she knows. She repents. She regrets. She is guilty. But still Do!!

I guess this situation is worst than previous one.

Discussing it with a religious person, according to him, This is the initial stage when I am at least knowing things. I said You still say it “initial” when you are aware of how many permanent changes I have already made and how many obstacles I had to go through to convince others. He said yes! Because today you are saying them obstacles because you are not firm in what you did. If you would be confident, you wouldn’t have used the term “obstacles”. You would have named them “experiences”. Both things have different meanings.

Ahh… yehh… confusion. The dua I make is “O Allah make me a better Muslimah please. Don’t let me go astray. Don’t make my heart dead. I want to listen its heart beat when I think about YOU and not about thinking anyone else. Let me handle all the obstacles. Verily, I know YOU don’t burden any soul beyond it can carry. But I am very weak. Please don’t take exam I cannot pass. Please. Forgive my sins. O Merciful! Grant mercy on me. I did million and trillions of sins. Please forgive. I am like an ant infront of you. You are THE BIG, THE MAGNIFICENT. Have mercy on me. Give me peace and tranquility. I want You in me. I am asking YOU something and you never let anyone go bare hands. Please”

ahhhhhhh…….. I am done.  Hope I feel good after reading after some months.