I am a Stranger. You are a STRANGER.

I AM A STRANGER, YOU ARE A STRANGER

You meet people and they have an effect on you, but their presence in your life proves to be temporary. But then again, everyone’s presence in your life is temporary. It’s just that you expect some people to hang around longer than they do, and disappointment comes with setting up expectations.

You begin to enjoy their presence, look forward to their company, and next thing you know, they’re gone. You relied on their presence for a certain emotion, and you associated that emotion with them. You lose that emotion when it’s gone, and that emotion was a large part of you.

They were a large part of you because they became part of who you were. That’s the problem, we rely on people when we shouldn’t. We get attached when we shouldn’t. We fancy their presence, whether they’re a friend or a lover, when we shouldn’t.

We should enjoy their company for the time being, but it’s deadly when you get used to someone. It becomes a tragedy when they leave, because you allowed them to become a part of you. And nothing is worse than seeing them leave, because you’re watching a part of you walk away. 

And the only thing you can do is start over with yourself. But this time, grow on your own. Don’t rely on anyone else because everyone has a temporary presence in your life. Nobody can assure you how long they’ll stay. Nobody knows when their time will come, or when duty calls and they’re gone. Because as Ibn Taymiyyah says “Even your shadow leaves you in darkness.”

And after it’s all said and done, we go back to being strangers.

Everyone changes, and you’re not the same person you were yesterday. I’m not the same person I was an hour ago. I’ll look back at this, and I’m not who I was, when I wrote this.

Even I will be a stranger to myself, somebody that I once knew and was well accustomed to being around. If I don’t keep up with you and you don’t keep up with me, then we no longer know one another.

And we become strangers. And who knows, we might have been meant to be strangers all along. And you might have been sent to guide me and then depart.

I am a Stranger and You are a Stranger. That is the reality of life.

-inspired by TheMuslimMatters

Step One.

Today I felt something.. Something grasping…holding me.. Giving me hopes.. “There is still a way out”.. “You can still do it”.. “Doors are open and you can come close”.. “Just struggle”.. “Bit more”.. “More than what you think you can tolerate because what you think of yourself, you have way more capacity than this”
Sometimes the “Satisfied feeling” gives me hope and sometimes a shiver. Afraid. Afraid of everything around. May Allah gives me courage to walk on straight path. To be steadfast. May Allah give me toufeeq to do tawakkul on him when the dunya is trying to convince me to trust, rely and depend on it.
O Allah! change me.
Ameen

Garbage

I don’t know what mood I am in. The awkward thing is that I sometimes can’t understand myself. My emotions. I remember once I took a test of Emotion Management in Psychological Department , and I literally failed in “knowing your own mood part”.. and I excelled in “knowing and controlling others”.. Like what a shame.

I  feel like “most-un thankful-person” of Allah who has everything yet unsatisfied. There is deep hole. It is hollow and very deep. The whole anger thing comes out thinking I am missing that person or this person or saying this didn’t go well and blah blah but I know the reality is whole different. I know that this feeling is because of some malfunction within me. Last week I remember I was listening a Bayan in which the speaker said “This hollow feeling will never go. Because this hollow is because you are lacking in practicing Islam”. I wonder Is my heart dead or something? The speaker said “If you seek for guidance, you will be guided. If you don’t want, Allah will help you go astray”. Has Allah chosen me to go astray?  I don’t want to. No! I want to be back to Islam. I don’t want my heart to be black and lifeless. I want to listen my heart beat when I stand in front of Allah or when I act against the teachings of Islam and not when I am afraid of worldly people….but  I hate when I get afraid while speaking in front of crowd, I hate when I shiver before starting any work. I want to shiver just for Allah. I want to cry just for Allah. I don’t want to cry for these worldly people. But the thought which wakes me up is WWWHYYY Why these thoughts never occur to me when the event happens and why I am unable to control myself. When I know that this feeling I am getting should be purely for Allah yet I cannot control. Am I chosen in Allah’s bad people? Is my destiny purely “jahanum”?

I remember Speaker said “Try and Go to discover Islam, Allah will help you” . I started trying. I tried to my extent (okay I know this isn’t the extent. I can go far away) …but..amm… I don’t know. Maybe I am weak. Very weak. Sometimes the difference I feel between the “Old Wafa” and “New Wafa” is that before she didn’t know that it is called sin which she has committed . Now she knows. She repents. She regrets. She is guilty. But still Do!!

I guess this situation is worst than previous one.

Discussing it with a religious person, according to him, This is the initial stage when I am at least knowing things. I said You still say it “initial” when you are aware of how many permanent changes I have already made and how many obstacles I had to go through to convince others. He said yes! Because today you are saying them obstacles because you are not firm in what you did. If you would be confident, you wouldn’t have used the term “obstacles”. You would have named them “experiences”. Both things have different meanings.

Ahh… yehh… confusion. The dua I make is “O Allah make me a better Muslimah please. Don’t let me go astray. Don’t make my heart dead. I want to listen its heart beat when I think about YOU and not about thinking anyone else. Let me handle all the obstacles. Verily, I know YOU don’t burden any soul beyond it can carry. But I am very weak. Please don’t take exam I cannot pass. Please. Forgive my sins. O Merciful! Grant mercy on me. I did million and trillions of sins. Please forgive. I am like an ant infront of you. You are THE BIG, THE MAGNIFICENT. Have mercy on me. Give me peace and tranquility. I want You in me. I am asking YOU something and you never let anyone go bare hands. Please”

ahhhhhhh…….. I am done.  Hope I feel good after reading after some months.

Unexplained..

Leave me quiet. Leave me alone. No, I don’t want to speak. I am good like this. Lips zipped. I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to clarify anything. Sometimes it is worthless to explain things. We feel tired of explaining. It is just useless. It is just known as ranting when you speak in anger. You throw bombs on others which don’t even explode. You utter words trying to explain things to people yet every little struggle you do to explain go in vein. Actually everything you say comes on you like a hoarded monster waiting for you to say a word and it will torture you with those words till you die. It is like digging grave for your own.

No use to make people happy when you know in order to make someone happy, you will have to offend someone else. This is life’s ritual or you can say custom of life. Everyone is dependent on other. If you think that you can do wonders on your own then you are wrong. It is your figment of imagination.

But what does it mean? You keep piling things on?? Waiting for the right moment to blow up? Meanwhile you keep burning inside? No, I don’t think this is the solution. Solution is simple yet we have made it difficult. We feel shame to do that act. We think this will make us small. But it is not like that. Take it in. Take everything inside. Clear all your mind and heart and bow down your head in front of Allah. Have brief conversation with The Almighty Allah. Who created you. Talk to Him. Tell him all the worries. Tell him, EXPLAIN him. And after elucidating EVERYTHING make HIM responsible to patch up things. Say it in your words “ALLAH do this for me” and believe HIM that HE will do and sit back, relax and see the magic.

DEAD!

“Everyone is going to taste death, and We shall make a trial of you with evil and good, and to Us you will be returned.” (21:35)

Indeed, Allah’s promise will be fulfilled. The Death is something so inevitable, yet so very often forgotten. Each day that passes, each day we breathe, each day we spend our life doing sin or doing well leads us closer to the day we have to die; to the day we have to return to our CREATOR!

We show remorse and sadness when our love one or close one passes but what we learn from it? How we reflect it upon our own self? We think that death is at a distance from us and will not come until a SPECIFIC age. We talk about the average human life is, without thinking that is average not ours!

Indeed our time is closer than we can even think. Are we prepared for what is going to happen? Have our hearts become stoned to shed some tears out of fear of meeting Lord? What will you do? What will you say? What is life? An unpredictable reality; Today I am, tomorrow I am not. I am writing right now and I don’t know if I will be writing the next letter. What if I die the next second?

Why is that when one dies, they leave thousand questions behind? Why does one gain importance after dying? The same person greeting you, saying ‘HI’every day never gets your attention but as soon as he passes away, he becomes so important for you? Is this what the world is? People acknowledge your importance after you’re gone? Is this the place we are striving for? Is this the place we are living for? Is this the place which will be forever? Answer Is NO!

There maybe thousands of people you know and there may be very few that hold importance in your life. But believe me those unimportant ones are very important. I don’t know how to put it. I got a lesson today; never ever think someone is not important. Each and every person is equally important. You realize this fact when they are gone; when you lose them.

Our bodies are no doubt Allah’s entrustment to us. It shall depart someday.  May Allah rest everyone’s soul in peace. May Allah grant them place in Paradise Insha’Allah.

Inna Lila hi wa inna ilehi Raji’un

To Allah we Belong and to Him we Return

 

O Allah! Take my life while praying or in sleep. O Allah grant me honor to recite Kalma when I die. O Allah make my death a blessing not a curse. Verily, One day I have to come back to you! Protect me.