I.C.U- i WILL see YOU!!

As I stepped in ICU, I moved my gaze all around. I felt as if my life had stopped for some seconds. I couldn’t hear anything. I was completely numb. Patients were lying on bed unaware of themselves. The faces of their beloved portrayed only tension. The staff members were all around trying to help the patients fighting with their lives and deaths. The notice boards were hung behind patient’s bed to warn the visitors. “Don’t touch his hand”; “Put your mask on before coming near him”.

I wondered what a person`s life is…He spend whole life enjoying without thinking about the day when he will be lying on bed helplessly fighting for his life, when his own ones will avoid coming near him. Throughout his existance, Life asked him to come back to it but he didn’t, and now when he is lying powerless, he is BEGGING LIFE TO COME BACK! How pity!

As I gained my senses back, I heard ticking sound of heartbeat machine. The smell of blood was everywhere in room. Some patients were trying to inhale the oxygen, some were unconscious, and some were tormented with pain. There was smell of death hanging everywhere.

My eyes moved to a patient who was unconscious but his eyes were wide open. It was a horrific sight. Later I came to know that he is counting his last breathes as he was on ventilators. The old man lost his breath once but was brought back to life through machines. The machines were surrounding his bed to give him fake life. People were standing near ICU, as if waiting for him to breathe his last. I know they were unhappy but it also seems they want to be at one side.

Then there was another scene I witnessed when an old woman was fighting for her life and her loved ones were fighting over her regarding responsibility of decisions. Throughout her life, the woman supported her relatives as a daughter, mother and wife but when she wanted a support, her own sons refused to accept her. This is life!

I was still in ICU when emergency was declared and the old man was given electric shocks. I was frozen
at my place. I was watching the whole scenario when nurse came and asked me to go out. I wasn’t able to absorb what was happening in front of me. As I stepped out, some people were wishing Eid to one another. I ignored and searched the patient’s attendee but couldn’t find anyone. When nurse called Patient’s name out, the attendee went in and came out with a body without a soul! There were tears everywhere. The place where people wished Eid to one another becomes the mourning place!

I realized how mean we are. While celebrating Eid we forget about those who passed away. Instead of thanking Allah to grant us a new day, to give us happiness we indulge in unwanted celebrations. O Allah! Do not make us dependent on anyone whole life.…O Allah! Grant us good health till our last breath…Give us blessing of KALMA-e- SHAHDAT on our last moment! Ameen!

Aik muddat ke baad hum ne yeh jana Ay
” ALLAH “

Teri zaat se ishq sacha,
baqi sab Afsaanay hain…..

Mixed Feelings

Isn’t it just strange when you have so many mix feelings that you don’t really know how you feel? Are your mixed feeling a problem?. Do your feelings help you to solve your problem or they just confuse you?

I haven’t got time to think about it but somehow after shifting to Pakistan I realized how changed I am, the changes I’ve had, in my life, my way of thinking, of looking at the world, of living, etc… It made me realize the fact that I’m living my own life here not the life I’m suppose to live. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it’s just that I got to realize that now I’m responsible for myself, for what I do, the decisions I take, etc.

Question is what actually mixed feelings is? Mixed feelings can be anything.

When I have mixed feelings, I can be sad, happy, mad, frustrated, aggravated, and depressed at the same time.

As our family is distributed to different countries, I go through these feelings many times. I wonder why are we separate?? Won’t we ever live together again? Few days ago I felt strange, feeling sad that my mom is going back to dad, knowing this already months ago that it will happen and I also knew that I’ll feel lonely after she goes back..even though I was mentally prepared, yet I felt a hollow space in my life as soon as I left her at the  airport.

It is sad to come back from university to a lonely home, not having anyone to see the wall clock trying to tell that Wafa Tariq you are late and not having anyone at night telling me to turn off the light and go to sleep and like this list goes on…

Well, sometimes it feels good to be alone but mostly this loneliness kills, You feel that something odd is happening..You don’t understand what actually “that” odd is..That ODD is called “MIXED FEELINGS”

“We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.” Louis Nizer

Louis talked about mixed feelings in very complicated way..but it’s the whole story of my life compressed in just one sentence. Or you can say my feelings compressed here.

Many times I desperately want “MY TIME”…Time where only ME is there, no one else. I want to think about myself, what I am doing, where I am standing and where I should be..but.. the other time.. I think how selfish I am, just thinking about “ME”.

I want to conclude my article now as if I go on writing..I will never end! And I know my situation or say my feelings..you won’t be able to understand them..After all they are MY MIXED ODD FEELINGS..!!

“There is no other who experiences your thoughts or your feelings”