High on caffeine

Its 4:00am.

Almost whole night has passed seeing water droplets of heavy rainfall.

Watching lights getting off of apartments infront.

Why? High on caffeine.

Two days of migraine made me drink two cups of tea and a coffee.

I had to survive somehow.

Survived yet suffered,

We also do such blunders in our lives.

We over react on things.

And then suffers.

But like caffeine never lasts forever

Things also get settle down

Slowly gradually

Making you more restless.

Making you more dizzy

Making you wanting more caffeine

But once you get rid of this habit of taking caffeine.

You are relaxed.

Then name of caffeine also irritates you.

But then ..

Sometimes life forces you to take caffeine again..

And then whole thing,

Whole process







I feel suffocated. Suffocation of my sins which are strangling me.

Its enough. I am done. Tired of these thoughts. I also want it to end. But how? but when? He is Al-Sattar. And Al- ghaffar but then he is Al-Muntaqim too. He wants us to love him only. Why so much dunya in me? Why? If I die in this state, constant suffocation. Guilty of everything. Will I ever be forgiven?

Maybe yes. Because Allah Taala says ask forgiveness and I will forgive. But isn’t there any limit? Like maybe same thing once twice thrice. Isn’t small sin becomes big sin when done repeatedly.

Actually my suffocation is due to small small things which I do in my life which I shouldn’t do. Ever heard of “neem hakeem khatra e jaan”

Yes, i have become khatra for myself.

Sometimes I feel I am done. And sometimes i think i can move on. I can overcome it. But what is it? This “it”? What is this important “it”? This is a big question mark. This “it” has eaten me from inside. I am hollow inside.

I need a punching bag to take out my rage. My suffocation. My anger.

And then when it comes to speak.

I loose words.

When I see my husband.

I see everything.

#weird thoughts

After effects of sins.

Today in class, ustaad jee told about the mistake of Hazrat Adam (AS) through a concept.

Let me first share the mistake.

As we all know that Hazrat Adam (AS) was not supposed to eat from a tree but he did because of Shaitan. He made touba from the Kalimah Allah Taala taught him. And he was forgiven.

Now the question is if he was forgiven then why he was sent to earth?

Ustaad g told an ilmi answer too but just to make us understand more, he said imagine a person who drinks poison. Means he is going to do sucide which is Haram. But right after he takes poison, he realizes his mistake and do lots of touba. Now even if Allah Taala accepts his Touba, still there is high probability that he will die due to poison. Poison will do its Asar.

That was it.

But, now if we deeply analyze the concept. This is our lives. We go into sins. We commit. And then we are guilty of them and we make touba. But still we are caught in something or other thing. Why? Because that act has some effects.

Next time when we are facing difficulties, remember it is because of our sins.


The voidness,

the incompleteness,

the loneliness,

Nothing is seen

Carefully Hidden

Deep down somewhere

Couldn’t find again

Lost myself.

Cancer Stage IV

Went to see a Japanese Muslimah who converted around 10years ago. She is at 4th stage of cancer. She was well prepared for her death.

Since she converted, she is praying 5 times a day. Tolerating her family who is still against her because she converted. She is so much mentally prepared that she is even throwing out things that she thinks she will not be wanting. Not in her life and neither after it.

When we were there, zuhur azan was being called. And she wanted to pray as soon as possible. She said herself that she is not afraid of death. Whatever Allah has planned; will happen, she was worried just for one thing that was “her janaza” . She was afraid that her family will burn her body as buddhist do while she wants to be buried like Muslims.

She was preparing for her own janaza. SubhanAllah.

I was in tears. Not for her. For myself. She knows she is going to die. Maybe within an year according to doctors. She is preparing for it. Actually, She is prepared. She is doing all possible things she can do.

What about me? What about you? Where are we going!? What are we doing for our death? Do we have some certificate that we are going to live more than her? Can’t we die the next minute? The next hour? Don’t we believe on day of judgment? Don’t we believe that we also have to stand infront of our Creator?

This is the problem. We believe. Yet we don’t believe.

This is the problem of US, The Born-muslims.

I swear, the time when I was there, I was having goose bumps thinking that this is the lady who I am seeing alive last time probably.

That She is going to die.

The way I was meeting her, I swear, I could feel the humbleness in me. I felt so hypocrite. Why can’t I meet everyone like this? Like as if this is the last meeting? Do I think that I will not die or others won’t die. Ajeeeb life.

Ya Allah, give us toufeeq to live our lives according to your Raza. Give us toufeeq to remember death every time.