Garbage

I don’t know what mood I am in. The awkward thing is that I sometimes can’t understand myself. My emotions. I remember once I took a test of Emotion Management in Psychological Department , and I literally failed in “knowing your own mood part”.. and I excelled in “knowing and controlling others”.. Like what a shame.

I  feel like “most-un thankful-person” of Allah who has everything yet unsatisfied. There is deep hole. It is hollow and very deep. The whole anger thing comes out thinking I am missing that person or this person or saying this didn’t go well and blah blah but I know the reality is whole different. I know that this feeling is because of some malfunction within me. Last week I remember I was listening a Bayan in which the speaker said “This hollow feeling will never go. Because this hollow is because you are lacking in practicing Islam”. I wonder Is my heart dead or something? The speaker said “If you seek for guidance, you will be guided. If you don’t want, Allah will help you go astray”. Has Allah chosen me to go astray?  I don’t want to. No! I want to be back to Islam. I don’t want my heart to be black and lifeless. I want to listen my heart beat when I stand in front of Allah or when I act against the teachings of Islam and not when I am afraid of worldly people….but  I hate when I get afraid while speaking in front of crowd, I hate when I shiver before starting any work. I want to shiver just for Allah. I want to cry just for Allah. I don’t want to cry for these worldly people. But the thought which wakes me up is WWWHYYY Why these thoughts never occur to me when the event happens and why I am unable to control myself. When I know that this feeling I am getting should be purely for Allah yet I cannot control. Am I chosen in Allah’s bad people? Is my destiny purely “jahanum”?

I remember Speaker said “Try and Go to discover Islam, Allah will help you” . I started trying. I tried to my extent (okay I know this isn’t the extent. I can go far away) …but..amm… I don’t know. Maybe I am weak. Very weak. Sometimes the difference I feel between the “Old Wafa” and “New Wafa” is that before she didn’t know that it is called sin which she has committed . Now she knows. She repents. She regrets. She is guilty. But still Do!!

I guess this situation is worst than previous one.

Discussing it with a religious person, according to him, This is the initial stage when I am at least knowing things. I said You still say it “initial” when you are aware of how many permanent changes I have already made and how many obstacles I had to go through to convince others. He said yes! Because today you are saying them obstacles because you are not firm in what you did. If you would be confident, you wouldn’t have used the term “obstacles”. You would have named them “experiences”. Both things have different meanings.

Ahh… yehh… confusion. The dua I make is “O Allah make me a better Muslimah please. Don’t let me go astray. Don’t make my heart dead. I want to listen its heart beat when I think about YOU and not about thinking anyone else. Let me handle all the obstacles. Verily, I know YOU don’t burden any soul beyond it can carry. But I am very weak. Please don’t take exam I cannot pass. Please. Forgive my sins. O Merciful! Grant mercy on me. I did million and trillions of sins. Please forgive. I am like an ant infront of you. You are THE BIG, THE MAGNIFICENT. Have mercy on me. Give me peace and tranquility. I want You in me. I am asking YOU something and you never let anyone go bare hands. Please”

ahhhhhhh…….. I am done.  Hope I feel good after reading after some months.

MY MOMMY!

 

Every mother is unique. For some people, she would be an irritating one, for some people, she would be a fool one. Everyone has his or her own story. My mom is unique too.. actually very unique. Today I have decided to gather my memories at one place so that whenever, wherever I read it, I can smile. So that I won’t ever regret it ever.

• SCENE 1:
<Wafa screaming from her room> MOM! May ap ki bête hoon?
<Mom screaming from her room> Jee ap hain!
wafa: pakki baat hai na? koi aur tu nahi hai?
mom: meray teen bachay or bhi hain
wafa: ammi ap nay mera dil tor dia
mom: ELFI say jor lo!
<silence from both sides>

• SCENE 2:
<wafa screaming> MOMMY! I LOOVVEE YOU!
mom: I love you too
wafa: ammi chichorapana band kareen aur parhnay dain!
<silence>
OR In case mom said No I dun love you
wafa: ammi ap mujh say pyar nahi kertinnn…jaeen! Ab kabhi mujh say baat na karyee ga
mom: Naraz ho tu do rotian ziada khana

• SCENE 3:
When mom wakes me up extra early, she keeps staring at me, not knowing that when she stares, my sleep gets disturbed and I also lay still so that she wouldn’t know that I know she is staring. And in case, I change my position, she starts playing with my nose and hairs, commenting… “itni si naak hai..pata nahi kis p gaee hai.. baal tu dekhoo bomb phatta hoa hai…” and I screaming…” ammi yaar sonay tu dain na!” and when I actually wake up… I get up from bed go directly to mom and say “cheer lia ap nay? Khush hoogaeen bête ki nind kharab ker k?” and in return I see her tongue out.

• SCENE 4:
I was bored so I asked my mom: “Ammi dr. nidhi ka kia hoa?”
and ammi starts whole story and I just smiled because she forgot that I was teasing her and I hate dramas.
The next day when I was busy in preparing for my next exam, Mom came to my room and took me to her room and pointed towards the TV. and guess what? Dr. Nidhi was there!
Wafa: AMMMIIII!!!!! I was teasing you yesterdaayyyy!
Ammi: Oh acha!
Wafa: <laughs> mazak ka beragark kernay may MASTERS ki degree ammi k paas hai!

• SCENE 5:
<Computer stucked> mom screaming..Wafa dekho is ko kia hoa?
Wafa: press Ctrl, Alt, Del…
Mom: okay! C ,T where is R?
wafa: AMMMMIIIIIII… see these are buttons jis may sab likha hai
Mom:<laughing> yeh aj kal k angrez bhi na
Wafa: ap k zamanay k angrez kaisa computer banatay thay??
mom: acha chuP!

• SCENE 6:
<Lunch on table> Mom: pata nahi meray betay nay khaya hooga ya nahi
Wafa: amma he is no Bechara! Kuch na kuch ker lain gay! Ap tu kha lain
mom: tumhain kia pata kaise bechaini hoti hai… jab amma banoogi tu pata chalay ga
<wafa thinking and whispering> shadi tu honay dain
<mom in shock> WHAAAT?
Wafa: I didn’t say anything….
<silence>

• SCENE 7:
<On skype>Mom: or sunaoo beta kaisee ho
Wafa: theak thak ap batain?
<stories start> after one hour…
Mom: mere choro tum bataoo kia ker rahi thi?
Wafa: Amma filhal ap ki batain sun rahi hoo aik ghantay say!

• SCENE 8:
Awkward moment when you see your mom in school because the previous day you were crying at home and mom asked the reason and you told her its related to school.<I know I was kid.. but I didn’t know my mom was also kid>

• SCENE 9:
The awkward moment when I Record “Ammi uth jaeen..buhat so lia ap nay” in cellphone, keeping it on repeat mode. Carefully place it beside mom’s pillow. Play it and hide under the bed. And mom actually thinks this is me who is saying again and again. After waking up it was me, ammi and her pillow beating me!

• SCENE 10:
I:Mom we will go out for lunch today
Mom: Fine.. 6pm is your deadline. You have to be at home before it.
I: yes mommmyyy!
<sharp 6pm> <mobile ringing…MOMMY CALLING…>
I: shit! Gari bhaggaaooo! Ammi callinnggg
<picks up call>
I: Yes mom coming coming… rastay may hoo!
<after 15 min> <knock knock>
Mom <seeing watch which is already 15 min ahead>: time dekha hai? U r half an hour LATE!
I: traffic buhat tha.. SACHI!
and then tolerates the silent treatment rest of the day!

• SCENE 11:
<Mom tensed>
Wafa: aray ammi chorain.. dafa kareen… CHILL MARAIN CHILL!
<After that day whenever I am quite or tensed>
Mom: chup kioo hoo?? CHILL MARO CHILL! CHILL!
<UFFFFFF>

• SCENE 12:
When everyone was asleep and I was up because of cough.. She rubbed my back to give me comfort though she was herself half asleep!

• SCENE 13:

Brought a cup of ILAICHI tea from uni buhaaat pyaarr say.. girti pirti..buhat mushkil say…
Wafa: Ammi may sirf ap k liay lai k aee hun
Ammi: Khanay k waqt chai kioo lai hoo
Wafa: Ammi ghalti say pyar a rha tha
Ammi: after seeing colour…doodh kam lag raha hai
after aking sip…. lo g.. issay achi tu may bana loon

*Kill me* 😀

Scene 13:
Hugging mom in middle of night so that she couldn’t know how much I love her. In return she hugs me back and then I have to escape replacing pillow at my place. And the other day we both pretend as if we don’t know what happened.

Mom sacrificed her whole life and still sacrificing her life taking care of her husband and children. Mom wants to be in both countries at the same time to take our care is MY best and MY unique mom. I wonder what I would do without you. LOVE U! : )

Post to self in silence…

Silent post for the silent tears that shed behind these silent eyes because of sealed lips that are poisoner for the betterment of surrounding. It’s a silent post to remind myself not to give up. To tell myself that no one will give their shoulder to cry until and unless you will tell them what is the problem instead of just telling that you have problem. Not everyone is like a doctor who just needs to know that you have a problem and he will suggest the solution. You need to change yourself and SPEAK UP! No one will know himself that behind this CHATTER BOX and smiling eyes are the unspoken words and tears.

Why you always forget that problems are here to examine you and to test you. You will have to tolerate them. This post is to remind you that you don’t need anyone else to survive. No one is ever going to always be there no matter what ever promise they have made to you. JUST ACCEPT IT!.. YOU CAME ALONE you will GO ALONE. It is a continuous process. You will get over everyone one day .
This post is to ask you some serious questions which require answers!

Q- When this mood will last? Its already two days!
Q- Why you always shed your tears when you know its of no use? it’s for stupid reason? <though I know they ain’t stupid… wateva!>
Q- Why to have attachments when you know that you will be one regretting it once again?
Q- Most important when are u going to “express these emotions” and stop expressing stupid ones which is taken as an entertainment <and u know this v.well>
Q- last but not least WHY WRITING?

Overflowing Tank!

I don’t know why I am writing it. I didn’t even think about anything or jot points; I just want to express my thoughts, some random thoughts which can’t be expressed under any specific topic.

Be the one who you are inside because there are many people in this world having different views about everything, about world, about people and even about you. You don’t have to change for others. Just be yourself, be the real you! Because nothing will bother those throwing views but your life can ruin because of them!

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else –Anonymous

 

My friends always make fun of me when I say “I am who I am” but it’s a real fact, say it selfishness, say it pride or say whatever you want to, I just can’t change this fact. I know compromises are the door to live in this world, but I can’t be a key of this door for “everyone”.

Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.  ~Harvey Feuerstein

 

Forget everyone here and live your life to the fullest, live it to the extreme, live it to that extent so in the future you won’t regret this time. You don’t know what has been written for you in the next moment so it’s better to live your best in the present rather than regretting your past or worrying for the future.

To have a peaceful life, compare your life with the ones below you and not the ones above you because seeing above means you are asking for more and when the word “more” comes, it never lasts! It’s that evil friend which will be loyal till you die but will never provide satisfaction.

I have written so many words; But still, I don’t know “what” I am writing?. Why I am writing? I was in a bad mood yesterday so I got an advice from my friend that whatever you have in yourself just throw it out on a paper so I am doing it. It’s such an odd feeling! Oh yes! That “ajeeb” called “mixed feeling” I usually have.

At the moment, what is coming in my mind is bit complicated to understand and I know many will feel against it but I am not here writing for “everyone”, I’m only writing “my” feelings so I am writing what “I” want.

Yes! Have “this” attitude in your life “CARE-FREE ATTITUDE”. I know that I do care and I don’t want any controversial comments here but then my words are saying that I don’t. Why?? Because I believe that the one who care for you, the one who actually understand you, will know conditions you are going through!..You don’t have to explain them because they don’t need any.

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind.”

 

Most important thing in life is faith; believe in GOD. Don’t just say that “Yeh! I do believe”  let it come with all your heart and soul, convince yourself that whatever obstacles you’re facing, must be for a reason as “everything happens for a reason”. It’s not that easy as it looks, indeed it is easy to say than actually do it because at times when you need courage,it is already half drained out.

I see many people shattered when their loved one leaves this world. They forget their lives; they forget that by these entire grievances, nothing will change. They forget that life won’t stop for them. It actually doesn’t stop for anyone, it just moves on.

I’ve no idea why am I behaving like a “dadi amma” but I want someone to remind me at the time when my spirits get down, when I feel lonely, when I lose my mind that Wafa Tariq!! these were your words and you are going against them!

Feelings of Inter Passed Students

SHOULD I CHOOSE THIS?? OR THAAT??

Deciding field is one of the most crucial factors in your life, which need no emphasis. As a student who has passed inter know the feelings of other students who are ready to start their university life. Hence to assist others, I am sharing my own experience in this article.

It all started of when I gave the last paper of inter exams. Initially, I thought that was the day on which I became free, but I realized it later that it was just a beginning of a new problem; the problem of what to choose!! People starts interfering, giving their “unwanted” opinions to do this, to do that. I don’t know why people poke their nose when they are useless. They just recommended what they knew, what they liked, without considering the one who actually had to experience it. C’mon man! Let the person choose himself.

Many didn’t miss a chance to demoralize me before my Second Year result. People didn’t consider my percentage while counseling me. When I forced them to consider, they started giving disappointed statements. “Itni percentage? Mushkil hai barhna..Dekhlo”.I used to hate this word “Dekhlo”. On one hand, they were leaving on me about what to do; and on the other hand, they were forcing me to do what they considered right.

Once the Inter result was declared, it seemed that someone had locked me in a “maze” where there were many streets and many hurdles, and everyone was telling from outside about their favorite street, not keeping in mind my conditions. For example, one of my relatives stressed me to go for fashion designing. When I told him that I and my father are not at all interested in it, he said sarcastically “OH Acha”. This was the time when I realized that the person, whom I am referring to, was not at all eligible for the counseling. Similarly, another one said “Go for Home economics”! This was the time when I really wanted to punch their face out. I wanted to ask what their problem is. This is not their life. This is mine. I have to live my future. I have to live my life. They don’t have to!

Generally, if you secure less percentage, you are forced to hear disappointed statements from your parents as well as from those who don’t pay even a single part in helping in your studies. Or, even if you, luckily, secure a percentage higher than that of the previous one, you are blessed with more so-called “suggestions” rather than useful appreciation. Only few asked my wish while counseling me. Someone asked what “you” want to do? I was very happy that at least someone is interested in knowing my interest. I told that my mind is towards BBA or Engineering. There, I came across different notions.“BBA??Now a days, everyone is doing BBA. So, don’t choose that”….“Engineering?? No that is man-dominating field, chalo agar tum chali bhi gaeen what will u choose?”

Lastly, I decided to follow the golden rule “Hearing all but doing what I want”. I just prioritize my family and my closed ones and asked pros n cons of BBA and Engineering. Finally, I made any mind for BBA. No readers, that was not the end, that was a beginning of a new problem. Not my problem indeed, problem of those who loved to poke their nose everywhere. Their new question comes.”Oh! so you decided to do BBA. From which university?”

Oh Bhai, why are “you” so interested in someone’s life?

See When you don’t know my financial condition, When you don’t know my family background then why are you tying me to enter the specific university? You don’t have have to pay for me nor I am asking you to pay.

I want to end my article by saying, for an inter student, this is the most horrible phase of life, where one come to know how confused he/she actually is. I do admit that all this mess may not be so horrible for those who have high aims but sometimes you have to put your interest aside (exceptions). It is not always possible to do of your interest. Hence, being neutral would be better at this stage. Not only me, my friends, the people I know(hello hi ones) all are in same state. All are depressed. Some are in tension because what they aimed for, is rejected by their parents, others don’t have enough money. Those who have both things don’t have required result.

Today we are tensed, confuse, sick of all this. Inshallah we will laugh on this condition of ours in the future. Today, there maybe good future…In future, it may not have that importance. Think about it!

Last but not least: “FACE your past with REGRET, HANDLE your present with CONFIDENCE, and PREPARE yourself for the future without any FEAR”

Best of luck!