I don’t know what mood I am in. The awkward thing is that I sometimes can’t understand myself. My emotions. I remember once I took a test of Emotion Management in Psychological Department , and I literally failed in “knowing your own mood part”.. and I excelled in “knowing and controlling others”.. Like what a shame.

I  feel like “most-un thankful-person” of Allah who has everything yet unsatisfied. There is deep hole. It is hollow and very deep. The whole anger thing comes out thinking I am missing that person or this person or saying this didn’t go well and blah blah but I know the reality is whole different. I know that this feeling is because of some malfunction within me. Last week I remember I was listening a Bayan in which the speaker said “This hollow feeling will never go. Because this hollow is because you are lacking in practicing Islam”. I wonder Is my heart dead or something? The speaker said “If you seek for guidance, you will be guided. If you don’t want, Allah will help you go astray”. Has Allah chosen me to go astray?  I don’t want to. No! I want to be back to Islam. I don’t want my heart to be black and lifeless. I want to listen my heart beat when I stand in front of Allah or when I act against the teachings of Islam and not when I am afraid of worldly people….but  I hate when I get afraid while speaking in front of crowd, I hate when I shiver before starting any work. I want to shiver just for Allah. I want to cry just for Allah. I don’t want to cry for these worldly people. But the thought which wakes me up is WWWHYYY Why these thoughts never occur to me when the event happens and why I am unable to control myself. When I know that this feeling I am getting should be purely for Allah yet I cannot control. Am I chosen in Allah’s bad people? Is my destiny purely “jahanum”?

I remember Speaker said “Try and Go to discover Islam, Allah will help you” . I started trying. I tried to my extent (okay I know this isn’t the extent. I can go far away) …but..amm… I don’t know. Maybe I am weak. Very weak. Sometimes the difference I feel between the “Old Wafa” and “New Wafa” is that before she didn’t know that it is called sin which she has committed . Now she knows. She repents. She regrets. She is guilty. But still Do!!

I guess this situation is worst than previous one.

Discussing it with a religious person, according to him, This is the initial stage when I am at least knowing things. I said You still say it “initial” when you are aware of how many permanent changes I have already made and how many obstacles I had to go through to convince others. He said yes! Because today you are saying them obstacles because you are not firm in what you did. If you would be confident, you wouldn’t have used the term “obstacles”. You would have named them “experiences”. Both things have different meanings.

Ahh… yehh… confusion. The dua I make is “O Allah make me a better Muslimah please. Don’t let me go astray. Don’t make my heart dead. I want to listen its heart beat when I think about YOU and not about thinking anyone else. Let me handle all the obstacles. Verily, I know YOU don’t burden any soul beyond it can carry. But I am very weak. Please don’t take exam I cannot pass. Please. Forgive my sins. O Merciful! Grant mercy on me. I did million and trillions of sins. Please forgive. I am like an ant infront of you. You are THE BIG, THE MAGNIFICENT. Have mercy on me. Give me peace and tranquility. I want You in me. I am asking YOU something and you never let anyone go bare hands. Please”

ahhhhhhh…….. I am done.  Hope I feel good after reading after some months.


Delusions vs. BITTER reality


“The world is not fair, and often fools, cowards, liars and the selfish hide in high places.”  -Bryant H. McGill

I was having a discussion with my friend discussing that people whether near or far from you don’t make any difference. This is because at the time of need, no one comes to rescue you. It is you who has to step up and do it while others keep trying to tow you down with their lip exercise known as “hawai firing” in our “desi zuban”. So what is the difference between a person who is sitting 10 miles away or 1000 miles away from you?  There is neither an advantage nor a disadvantage of that person. Now the question that would blow you out of the water would be “Do you mean we make friends or socialize for the sake of ADVANTAGES or DISADVANTAGES” Well, the bitter truth is “Yes” because no one is a saint. “Don’t you think you are being too negative?” If you see this as negativity then take it in as it is because it is a fact that is hard to indulge and the truth is always hard to endure. People usually say “negativity” or “extremism” to those thoughts which are difficult for them to admit. “Oh My GOD! How selfish can you get?!” Yes I am. Try to understand this!

Ask yourself some questions. What do you seek within a person? A personality? Looks? Nature? Attitude?  Will you go to a person that might not necessarily fit your physical standards in terms of attire or facial features for that matter? Or will you go to a person only based on your standards and your “version” of a decently suited individual with a well-organized impression. Well, just basically a dummy you could brag about.

If you have chosen the second one, which I know you have, then you have chosen security and a person with similar nature. This simply means that you already chose “your-type-of-advantages” in the very first step. When you realize that this person is not “my-type”, you will search for someone else until you will know that the person who was not initially my version of a friend turns out to be the person who will be there when the need arises.

Take another example, a friend asked you to do some work URGENTLY. You sacrificed so many things and did that one thing for your friend. The next time when you needed help and you asked that same friend. You were refused in response. What will be your reaction? The first response? The first click? “I did that for him, and he can’t return the favor?” These were very small examples to explain my point. It is human nature to pursue what is best for his/her own interest.

If a person is not seeking benefits then there wouldn’t be any clashes. No person would be leaving another for the reason of “being bored”, “nature difference”, or lame excuses such as “some complications”. It is human nature to exercise “tit for tat” and “give to get” principle. No matter how much you try to deny this. You’ll always end up expecting something tiny deep within the tiny place of your heart.

When a person becomes honest with himself and realizes this fact. When he starts realizing that no one can come to rescue them when they are stuck with their car middle of nowhere, when they have been in a fight with some BIG people and friends are afraid to interfere because they know it will be their life and death issue then, when he has to do something URGENT and last but not least when the time of death reaches. He then starts turning towards Allah. He knows that He is the Creator. He knows what HE has planned everything for him. Then the person asks Him knowing that if HE has created this problem for him then Allah must have planned its SOLUTION too.

The person own conscience differs and says “I know what your reality is, people don’t know your reality that is why they praise and like you.” Our conscience is that part of us that can never lie, you can’t bribe your own heart to lie about you. It is the most true, most sincere witness to who we really are. “

– Shaykh Kamaluddin Ahmad.


inna lillah ve inna ileyhi raciun

“Everyone is going to taste death, and We shall make a trial of you with evil and good, and to Us you will be returned.” (21:35)

Indeed, Allah’s promise will be fulfilled. The Death is something so inevitable, yet so very often forgotten. Each day that passes, each day we breathe, each day we spend our life doing sin or doing well leads us closer to the day we have to die; to the day we have to return to our CREATOR!

We show remorse and sadness when our love one or close one passes but what we learn from it? How we reflect it upon our own self? We think that death is at a distance from us and will not come until a SPECIFIC age. We talk about the average human life is, without thinking that is average not ours!

Indeed our time is closer than we can even think. Are we prepared for what is going to happen? Have our hearts become stoned to shed some tears out of fear of meeting Lord? What will you do? What will you say? What is life? An unpredictable reality; Today I am, tomorrow I am not. I am writing right now and I don’t know if I will be writing the next letter. What if I die the next second?

Why is that when one dies, they leave thousand questions behind? Why does one gain importance after dying? The same person greeting you, saying ‘HI’every day never gets your attention but as soon as he passes away, he becomes so important for you? Is this what the world is? People acknowledge your importance after you’re gone? Is this the place we are striving for? Is this the place we are living for? Is this the place which will be forever? Answer Is NO!

There maybe thousands of people you know and there may be very few that hold importance in your life. But believe me those unimportant ones are very important. I don’t know how to put it. I got a lesson today; never ever think someone is not important. Each and every person is equally important. You realize this fact when they are gone; when you lose them.

Our bodies are no doubt Allah’s entrustment to us. It shall depart someday.  May Allah rest everyone’s soul in peace. May Allah grant them place in Paradise Insha’Allah.

Inna Lila hi wa inna ilehi Raji’un

To Allah we Belong and to Him we Return


O Allah! Take my life while praying or in sleep. O Allah grant me honor to recite Kalma when I die. O Allah make my death a blessing not a curse. Verily, One day I have to come back to you! Protect me.


HE (P.B.U.H) taught ‘PEACE’, not ‘VIOLENCE’!


It’s a known fact that it is not the first time Non-Muslims insulted Islam. Be it yesterday or today, luring Islam towards infamy has been the core objective of many. The Danish cartoon controversy and the burning of Quran are examples of many of the notorious events that took place in the past.  Blasphemy is now a common occurring but recently it has spiked to a higher level, with the French magazine profaning in the midst of the protests over the film.They are proving themselves to be “SummomBukmunOmyon” (deaf, dumb, and blind).


Just give it a thought. Will protesting affect them?  Will destroying assets make “us” suffer or make “them” suffer?Isforgetting our own principles a solution to teach them? They played with us emotionally and we have affected ourselves emotionally, morally as well as “physically”. Who won? Is this how a religion is to be preached?He (P.B.U.H) taught us forgiveness along with patience not violence.


It is quite obvious that infidels want to destroy the peace of Muslim countries and quite honestly, we are helping them achieve their aim by being all senseless and illiterate. This is not the implementation of Prophet’s (SAW) Sunnah but rather a dishonor to all that he has taught us. It’s high time that we stop overreacting over current situations and focus on the big picture, which is the long term. How can we teach them a proper lesson? How do we make them realize that the blasphemy they call “freedom of speech” is an unforgivable dishonor in the eyes of the Muslims?


Iran has made a movie on Hazrat Mohammad(P.B.U.H) life in response to theAmerican-made-movie. Iran played its part by depicting the true face. Now we should think rationally as to how we can play our part. In 1973, Organization of Arab Petroleum Exporting Countries or the OAPEC (consisting of the Arab members of OPEC, plus Egypt, Syria and Tunisia) stopped the oil supply to U.S for few months which caused their economy to collapse badly and they back on track. It’s the time to repeat history. If 1.5 billion Muslim get united and boycott the products of all Western countries, it will make them come to us themselves.


Infidels have already made a bad reputation of Muslims. By killing and spreading violence, Muslims are only endangering their reputation and the lives of their Muslim brothers and sisters who live abroad. What will be the result of this violence? Will they respect our Prophet (P.B.U.H) and our nation after killing innocent people who has nothing to do with the imbecile?


Instead of destroying and killing each other, let’s give them a hard time. Let OIC play its role and on the other hand play your part. Let’s boycott their products. Let’s cut them deep so that it takes ample time to heal.


U.S should know the difference between “freedom of speech” and “freedom of blaspheme”

Johnson & Johnson, Coke Cola, KFC, Kelloggs, loreal, Starbuck, Lays, Hardees, Levi’s, Pizza Hut are some of the products of U.S. Its time to get united

This is the link for those who want to know the real persona of Hazrat Muhammad (P.B.U.H)

This is our Mohammad (P.B.U.H)


MY decision, MY choice, HIJABI for life!

Yes! I do wear Hijab. I like socializing and I am a normal human being.  Even though hijab is being common day by day, many people still look at you suspiciously when covered.

When Allah gave me guidance and I started to wear Hijab, I got an ample amount of criticism and comments from people. Following are some comments people gave and the answers I wish to give. But I just wish…

  • You are so young.. Why have you decided to wear hijab?
    (Yes! I am a 20 year old doodh-piti bachi. I lost my feeder so I decided to start wear Hijab!)
  • How will you get proposals? It won’t be easy to get married.
    (The one who can’t be of Allah can’t be mine)
  • If you will get proposal, you will go to some Mullah family.
    (So you mean being religious is a sin?)
  • Why have you become so backward?
    (If wearing hijab makes me backward then wearing bikini will make me too forward?)
  • Don’t you feel suffocated wearing it in summer?
    (Don’t you feel suffocated in open hair?)
  • Did anyone force you or decided yourself?
    (Yes someone forced me. My inner self and my own dignity)
  • Don’t wear in front of this person; he is too old for you.
    (Miss, Allah didn’t tell about the age, he told about the mehram and na-mehram. Kindly put your fatwas to yourself)
  • Why you wearing at your home?
    (Because you came with a male who is not a kid but a grown up man!)
  • Wearing a hijab is like being a walking religious billboard.It’s better to lower your gaze around men than wearing a physical piece of clothing over your head and not have the spiritual and inner hijab.
    (Although I am not responsible to give you any explanation, but that was my inner self who forced me to wear Hijab and I know how much I practice Islam. If I am a religious billboard then I am proud to be different. )

Though wearing Hijab is not as easy as it looks. I was rejected for a marketing job just because the requirement was not to be covered. “You can’t attract the customers Wafa. They want a girl who can wear jeans and shirt” I can wear jeans and shirt but not for others, not for being a SHOWCASE to attract CUSTOMERS; but for myself.

We judge one another on the basis of clothing, jewelry, hair and makeup.  What kind of judgment is this?  Yes, I have a body like everyone else but it is not an advertisement material or an asset to rank the quality. If the women of today are liberal, why cant they walk down the street without being “checked out”?

For me Hijab is my security. I wear it for myself and not for others. I wear it because Allah ordered to wear.I wear hijab and cover up to protect myself, to secure myself, so that I can get the proper respect and not to be treated like a piece of meat. I wear it to have the inner peace. I know the changes I am feeling with my head covered. For others it can be just covering head but for me it is covering from all the sins.I don’t want anyone to tell me how beautiful I am. I know who I am and I have made my choices now.

I don’t wear a niqab as of yet, but I’ll see where life takes me. I have made changes in my lifestyle and is looking forward to have more. May Allah give me more guidance. Ameen.

P.S-  After writing this piece, I am thinking to share my experience as how I started it. Well lets c! May Allah give guidance to every human being.