Today when I was coming back from mosque, the weather was quite good. I don’t know why but good weather provokes me to think good. Lol.
Well, I was walking through a bridge. A strong wind was blowing my abhaya and naqab and it was difficult to drag stroller because of air pressure. so I stopped for a while. Looked around. Fast wind was blowing. Some people were rushing somewhere. Some people were drunk, some were holding them trying to control themselves too. Some were just sitting alone. Cars were rushing down the bridge. Hustle bustle. I aksed myself what Am I doing here? Spent my early 10-13 years in Saudi Arabia then 10-12years in Pakistan and I never thought I will end up coming here. In Japan. A non muslim country where muslims are in so minority. The place where suicide rate is so high!
No, Alhamdullilah I was not thinking about doing sucide on the bridge =p but I was thinking about the people of Japan. They are so busy in themselves and in their work that they forgot the purpose of their existence. That is the only reason there is high suicide rate.
I always used to hear and now I have seen that western people motto is to work all day and party all night. This is their life. And what is party for them? Party is to have wine and forget their own existence. For them party is to forget the reality of life. This is party for them. And the day they don’t do their so-called-“party” they are depressed. And when they are depressed for more than a week. They wants to suicide. This is the end.
Alhamdullilah we are muslims. And Alhamdullilah we get opportunity 5times a day to stop every minor thing of our life. And concentrate. Think only about Allah. Think only about our existence.
Well, concluding this is the reality that I never liked Japan and I “will” never like Japan but since I am here and I have to live here. Allah must have better plans for me. There must be a reason for me to be here. May Allah Taala give me sabr. Ameen
I am in that state when I pick up any book, he needs it. When I pick Quran, he needs it. When I pick mobile, he needs it. When I pray, he pulls me. I cannot go to washroom because he cries for being lonely. I cannot cook because either he wants the thing which is in my hand or he wants to open all drawers and cabinets and take things out.
I am just done with my life. It feels as if I have done my worst mistake. I don’t know. Maybe A person should not have aims in life specially a girl! A woman! BecAuse this is what she has to do at that end. Cleaning buts full of smelly poops!
Inna lillahe wainna ilaehirajeon! I am having the worst feelings right now. But I am helpless or maybe my Imaan level is very down or maybe no where.
And how it could be anywhere? When I cannot do anything. Allah! Please save me. Please do rehm on me. I am weak. Indeed very weak.
Can life have a reverse button, pretty please? Please? Can we stop Time. Life. People. Everything? Its getting out of my hands now. I cannot take it anymore. I don’t want to be the responsible one. I can’t be the one. I want rest. Rest from life. Rest from the schedule. Rest from everything.
When will this end? When will I get out from this worldly mess. Enough. My heart is screaming “Enough”. My soul is tired. Tired of everyday , same day.
But.. No ..no choice. Cruel reality. It won’t stop. Life won’t stop. It cannot be reversed. It does not have reverse option. I have to live it. Some how. Anyhow.
I have to live a life. Not mine. But others. Yeh! This is called life. Living for others. Forgetting yourself. This is Life.
Waiting for Jannat. There will be “my” life. May Allah grant me access to it. Ameen
Alhamdullilah Fawaaz is 13Months old now. An year passed by in just a blink! Alhamdullilah he has started to take steps. He has started to talk in his own balabalalaa language =p Alhamdullilah for everything. Allah Taala somehow makes everything pass. Time pass. Injuries heal. Mind forgets. Alhamdullilah.
If Allah Taala would not have made this “forget” option for us, life would have been so difficult. Here in Japan, when I hear about people being workaholics, people getting in depression and not even knowing that they are in depression. I just think how unfortunate they are for not knowing Allah, for not knowing That Being who is always there for them. They just have to look for Him.
But then its Allah who gives hidayah to whoever he wants! I feel so amazed when I meet some new muslim who tries to do all the faraidhs! Alhamdullilah. How Allah Taala shows the way. How Allah Taala takes out a person from darkness to light. AllahoAkbar. Seeing such people, I feel we are also the unfortunate ones who have Allah Taala but we don’t give importance to it. May Allah Taala save us.
Ramadan is approaching Alhamdullilah. Last year my Ramadan was very heartbreaking with hardly 2months old Fawaaz . I pray inshaAllah this time, I will be more organized. My mind will be more focused. InshaAllah.
May Allah Taala accept all of us for His Deen. May Allah Taala make us true muslims. I don’t know what will happen to us at DOJ. We all prepare for job interviews but we are hardly preparing for our akhirah which might be just 5mins away. Or maybe 5secs away. Or maybe this moment!
May Allah Taala make this Ramadan heart changing Ramadan. Zahir and Batin both. Ameen!
Today I am sad, very sad. But we all came in this world as a stranger and will go like a stranger.
We all have people who come and go..leaving deep impact on our lives. I also have a list of people who I still miss today. The bond which I had with them.
But this.. This one.. This bond. Today I felt ajeeeb. Ajeeb attachment to somebody. Never thought I can be like this. So emotional. So sentimental. Never thought I can have these type of feelings for anyone.
Specially somebody I did not even know since years but just months and I got so attached. But Alhamdullilah inshaAllah I can say that this love I had was pure. There were no worldly favours attached Alhamdullilah. It was pure for Allah Taala. We used to meet for Allah Taala. We used to detach for Allah Taala. This Love is so unique Alhamdullilah. May Allah Taala give us toufeeq to love each other for His sake only. Then only one can imagine the feelings of this love. Ajeeb love.
InshaAllah I have firm belief, inshaAllah we will be together under the shade of Allah Taala on the day of Qayamah when there will be no shade because Allah Taala said so.
May Allah Taala give Nazish baji Ajar e Azeem. May Allah Taala be raazi with her. May Allah Taala grants her His nearness and May Allah give her highest ranks in jannah. Ameen.
*This post will remind me about Nazish baji and her love for me and fawaaz inshaAllah*